Sometimes, when I'm smiling
You wonder at the light in my eyes
You want to know why
And I can't exactly tell you
Cause I'm afraid of sounding dumb
But it's your smile; yours
It's the one I save all day for you
And you can have it as often as you like

"When I see you,
I smile really big
Because you make me
happy"

This is something that isn't going to be perfect. It won't flow. It won't rhyme. It probably won't be poignant, or mean anything to anyone but me. But really, it means so much to me.

For so long I've prayed for you
Not you in the specific sense
More like I prayed you'd come along
To put it simply,
I didn't think you existed
And now you do

And it scares me
Horrifies me
Because I've built you up so much
Because you were a vision in my head
Now that you're real
Now that you're made of something more
Than fairy dust and sweet dreams
It means you can fail me

You could disappoint me

And to think, you might not even WANT me
That's the worst part
You don't even know who you are
I don't even know if you're the person
I've always hoped you would be
It SEEMS that way
But what if I'm dreaming this too?


I realize I'm being senseless
And I know you might not understand
I know I'm overreacting
But it's so much more than that
And if I could just get it out of my heart
Off of my chest
Maybe I could finally
Go back to my dreams

So, I was going through an old notebook from high school. I have to laugh. I will share with you the deep inner-workings of my high-school aged brain. Don't laugh. I was dumb. I think some are lines from poems I never finished.

"Promises are accidental lies, built on personal compromise"

"In their heads it's over, and over, and over"

"I don't want to know who you are
Or what you've done
I don't care whether or not
You're the one
I've been hurt too much to be serious
Right now, it's just the two of us."

"This isn't a game
I'm willing to play.
I'm not giving into you
No, not today.
I don't care what you say"

Labyrinthic
I'm pretty damn confused
I don't know what this means
How much is real and are my dreams
I don't know what I want
I don't know what I need
I don't know what's me and what's not
I just want to live without a plot
It's doesn't make sense
It stings, it blurs
I think I can taste your words
Don't give me definitions
I'm not ready to listen"

"She's a butterfly with broken wings
beautiful, but incomplete
she wants to try; she needs to fly
She wants to do it on her own
she wants to make it all alone
she isn't as weak as she seems
she's going to hold on to all of her dreams"

yes. so that's Ashley at 16. So depressing. Amazing what 3 years can do. Lol.